


Hard Reboot

by tvconnoisseur



Category: Stargate Atlantis
Genre: Gen, Gen Fic, Gift Fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-12-25
Updated: 2010-12-25
Packaged: 2017-10-14 02:22:58
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,070
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/144299
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tvconnoisseur/pseuds/tvconnoisseur
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It was not Zelenka's fault.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Hard Reboot

**Author's Note:**

  * For [acaramelmacchiato](https://archiveofourown.org/users/acaramelmacchiato/gifts).



It was not Zelenka’s fault.

Oh, McKay would tell you it was Zelenka’s fault.  Given the proper amount of prodding, Sheppard would probably say it was Zelenka’s fault.  And maybe, if Ronon cornered Zelenka in a darkened corridor and bared his teeth a little, even Zelenka might confess it was, in fact, his fault.  But the most important thing to remember was that _it was not Zelenka’s fault_.

“How could you be so stupid?” Rodney muttered.  “Who looks at a random button on an alien ship and thinks, ‘Ooh, that’s sort of pretty, maybe I should press that and doom my entire team to certain death’?”

Zelenka shook his head and waved his arms (if things are dire, after all, it’s best to gesture more, not less, yes?).  “Rodney, that’s not what happened—”

“Sorry, let me amend my outrageous attack on your character.  _Stupid_ doesn’t really cover it.  _Imbecile_ , now that’s a word you could get comfy with.  Or how about _dim-witted_?  Ooh, _moronic_!  Truly, if anything, _moronic_ would be your best adjective.”

“Rodney,” Sheppard began warningly, and luckily for Zelenka, John’s warning tone actually had an effect on Rodney, who huffed and stopped his trip down thesaurus lane.  “We’re not blaming anyone.  We just need to find a way not to die.  So…let’s do that.”

Ronon crossed his arms.  “What exactly is wrong with the ship?”

“Ah, see, a very good question.  When our belovedly feeble-minded Dr. Zelenka pressed that shiny little button over there, he activated the still-being-tested Lantean slipstream drive and now we are barreling through space so fast that it will take us decades, if not hundreds of years, to get back to Atlantis with normal speeds.  Not that that matters, of course, since this highly experimental technology is so tempermental that it's causing a feedback loop that will cause us to explode before we even have time to become worried about being stranded halfway across the galaxy.”

“What if we simply pressed the button again?” Teyla offered.  “What more trouble could it cause?”

“That’s completely—” Rodney started but at John’s glare, he hemmed and then restarted.  “I don’t find that to be a viable solution, but thank you for your contribution.  Now please go sit in the corner, be quiet, and let the grown-ups save you, okay?”

Teyla frowned and Ronon growled, but neither said anything to McKay, who was obviously in one of his manic genius moments that cannot be interrupted.

Normally, Zelenka would let McKay exhaust himself and then quietly come up with a viable solution that McKay would take credit for, but in this specific instance, McKay shockingly enough seemed too busy criticizing the intelligence of everyone around him to attend himself to a solution.  Radek refused to 1.  be the subject of such slander anymore and 2.  die in a Puddle Jumper lightyears away from either Atlantis or Earth to the sound of Rodney McKay’s endless berating.

On the subject of #1, Zelenka would clarify that what _actually_ happened five minutes ago when the Puddle Jumper lurched into slipstream was not as Rodney described it.  Zelenka did not simply press a button because it looked pretty or shiny or any such thing.  He was a scientist, after all, not an orangutan.  Their entire mission—the only reason Zelenka was in the field and not happily trading half an egg sandwich for half a Rueben with Miko at lunch—was to bring this newly-found, incredibly high-tech Puddle Jumper back to Atlantis to study.  Colonel Sheppard couldn’t even get it started—“Performance anxiety?” Rodney had quipped—so Radek was brought in to see if he could get it started.  To be quite honest, he’d succeeded.  The vehicle was certainly _going_ _somewhere_ when five minutes before it had simply been floating in orbit above a desolate moon.

And on the more immediate subject of #2, Zelenka was getting quite tired of McKay yammering on about people and not science.  Surely, Radek minded less—less, to be clear—when Rodney talked science.  Rodney knew science so he really deserved free reign on the topic most of the time.  On _people_ , however, Zelenka found it a little bit laughable.  Rodney McKay should not be lecturing others about personality flaws.

Colonel Sheppard had obviously had enough as well.  “Hey, Rodney, how about you actually save our asses instead of wasting time determining whose cranium is the best approximation of their intelligence?”

“Unlike some plebeians, I can multi-task,” Rodney insisted, playing with his tablet.  “Hmm, maybe if we divert power from the slipstream drive to breaking thrusters.”  The tablet beeped and the ship rocked.  “Or maybe not.  Don’t worry, I’ll solve this.  I always do.”  McKay’s words were confident, but his tone was frazzled.

“Maybe if I—” He pressed another key and the ship shook more, but did not drop out of slipstream.  “I know if I—”  The ship’s lights turned red and the ship made a horrible groaning noise like an enormous cat hacking up a hairball.  McKay started pressing buttons randomly, including the shiny one that had started this whole debacle in the first place.  “Why won’t you work?!” he screamed at the tablet, throwing it against the wall.

Despite the grim circumstances, Zelenka laughed, which did not please the Great and Powerful Rodney.  “Dammit, Radek, why aren’t you doing anything?”

“I thought you did not want someone so _moronic_ touching the controls,” Zelenka responded.

“Just do something!” Rodney shouted.  “We’re about to explode!”

Zelenka shrugged and took the tablet from where it had fallen on the ground.  “Well, have you tried,” Zelenka began, pressing down the large button at the top.  The lights all turned off and suddenly everyone was thrown forward as the Puddle Jumper fell out of slipstream.  “Turning off the ship?”

Radek pressed the button again and the lights turn on.  “It looks like there is a Stargate orbiting a planet in the next solar system.  If I can just activate thrusters…”  He pressed another button and the Puddle Jumper came to life, chugging toward the nearest Stargate.  “We should be home shortly.”

Rodney looked like he was either going to slap Radek or kiss him.  Zelenka, desiring to avoid either event, handed Rodney the tablet and made his way to the back of the ship.  “If you require further assistance, I will be over here, eating an egg sandwich.”

Zelenka's sandwich tasted like victory with a touch too much mayo.

**Author's Note:**

> Because the answer is always restarting. ALWAYS.


End file.
